UPDATE:
I WON A PARTIAL REQUEST FROM CURIOSITY QUILLS IN THE HAUNTED WRITING CONTEST! YAY!
Thanks to all that have stopped by to comment on my first page. I have revised based on the feedback I've received from my fellow minions, as well as my super villain, Krystal Wade. Her critique was invaluable, to say the least. Thanks! Here's the revision...do your worst! =)
REVISION #1:
Leg-over-leg, I climb the railings that keep
visitors from falling over the edge of the pier and clutch the wooden beam
behind me. There’s no false sense of security now—only my white-knuckled grip,
and a blanket of black ocean thirty feet below, taunting me:
Here
lies Alison Summers. Devoted daughter. Sister. Dog-lover.
One slip and that will be chiseled into
the headstone above my eternal resting place. That is, if someone finds my body.
Not that I expect a superhero to swoop down and save me, but an easier way out of
this nightmare would be nice.
The cool breeze picks up the smell of
fish. It should remind me of the summers my family vacationed here, but instead,
I’m left with the urge to gag. All my inner organs tense like they’re pounding violently
against each other. At first, La Paz Beach was a logical place to run, but now at
the dead end of this pier there’s no time to consider a better plan. They are
hot on my heels. But who are they? My head whips toward the sound of heavy
footfalls. But the dense fog makes seeing my hand in front of my face nearly
impossible, let alone those who trail me. All I see are two streams of lights zigzagging
through the thick mist.
My foot slips. I adjust my position on
the damp ledge and grab the beam tighter. Sand plummets into the white-capped
waves beneath me. A tingle creeps down my spine as I consider a crazy thought. As a competitive swimmer, I can easily
out-swim anyone. I release one hand—just one—and a gasp escapes my
trembling lips.
“Don’t jump.” The words are barely a
whisper in my mind.
“I have to,” I return. My reply is
useless. At well past midnight, the pier is deserted—except for my pursuers. The
stillness of this place strangles me. I don’t want to jump. No. But, the
alternative . . . .
Either way, my seventeenth birthday will
be surrounded by death.
I’m going out my way.
***As a side note--Krystal had suggested I add more details about the pursuers. I didn't do that in the first page, however, that comes on page 2***
I am participating in a Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest hosted by Curiosity Quills, if you would like to join click
here. But, you don't have to join in order to leave a comment on my blog. Also, I have revised my
QUERY if you would like to check it out. Any feedback/critiques/comments/questions/compliments on either are welcome.
Here is the first page of my YA Urban Fantasy (w/romantic elements) -- IGNITE:
Leg-over-leg, I cross the hand railings that
keep visitors from falling over the edge, and white knuckle the wooden beam
behind me. There’s no false sense of security now—only a blanket of black ocean
thirty feet below taunting me:
Here
lies Alison Summers. Devoted daughter. Sister. Dog-lover.
One slip and that will be chiseled into
the headstone above my eternal resting place. That is, if someone finds my body.
Not that I expect a superhero to swoop down and save me, but an easier way out of
this nightmare would be nice.
A fishy aroma spikes the wind. It should
remind me of the summers my family vacationed here, but instead I’m left with
the urge to gag. All my inner organs feel like they are pounding violently against
each other. At first, La Paz Beach was a logical place to run, but now at the
dead end of this pier there’s no time to consider a better plan. They are hot
on my heels. If only I knew who they
were. My head whips toward heavy footfalls.
But the thick fog makes it nearly impossible to see my hand in front
of my face, let alone those who are trailing me.
My foot slips. I adjust my position on
the damp ledge, and I grab the beam tighter. A tingle creeps inside me as I consider
a crazy thought. I let go of one hand—just one—and a gasp escapes my trembling
lips.
“Don’t jump.” The words are barely a
whisper in my mind.
“I have to,” I say. My reply is useless,
though. At well past midnight the pier is deserted—except for my pursuers. The
stillness of this place strangles me. I don’t want to jump. No. But, the
alternative…
Either way, my seventeenth birthday will
be surrounded by death.
If that’s the case, I’m going out my way.
