In preparation for Miss Snark's First Victim contest, (Our Third Annual Baker's Dozen Agent Auction: Schedule and Facts!), and GUTGAA (Sign Up Time for the Gearing Up to Get an Agent Blogfest/Pitch Contest), I am posting my pitch for my followers (and even those just stopping by) to review. I welcome all constructive advice. =)
Impulsive seventeen-year-old Abigail Montgomery is
determined to trust her assigned Watcher—a fire-wielding angel with an arsonist past, but when the leader of a rebel-sect--exiled to Outer Darkness--wreaks havoc against those who keep him bound, that trust is put to the ultimate test.
Please feel free to critique/offer feedback/rip-to-shreds/or even rave in the comment section. Thanks!!
I think what you have here is good, but it looks a little long. It's usually recommended to keep your hook sentence less than 35 words. (I haven't counted so you could be). You could take out that it's a paranormal, because that usually goes in the last line of the query. Hope that helps. If it doesn't, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Beth! Your advice really did help. I took out the title and genre, as you suggested. The only reason I put it in was to give the reader a reference, but I should have done that in the post itself. Also, I've shortened it up quite a bit, so hopefully it is tighter and reads better.
DeleteThanks again for leaving feedback!
I agree with Beth. Usually for these contests, your pitch is only one sentence.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Kelly. Yes, I agree with Beth, as well. I've taken your advice (and Beth's) and shortened up the pitch to one sentence. I think it works better, although, I'm sure I can still make it stronger.
DeleteI appreciate the feedback tremendously!
I hate saying this, but since I've heard it in agent feedback myself I'm gonna let loose. There are a lot of he/she is the "prophesied one" out there in different forms. I'd suggest concentrating less on this and more on what makes your "the one" story different from the others.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sarah.
DeleteDon't worry, you're not saying anything I haven't heard before or thought myself. There is MORE to what makes my book stand out from the others with the "chosen one" theme, but I was having a hard time narrowing down specifically what that was. For now, I have taken your advice and focused less on that aspect. I will continue working on this, I'm sure. But, in the meantime, I think the revised pitch is better.
Thanks for your honesty. It really is the only way to make a writer better!
GAH! Pitches and loglines kill me, and it seems every summer contest this year didn't want first 250 or queries -- they wanted pitches and loglines. I couldn't enter anything.
ReplyDeleteI wish you HUGE good luck with Baker's Dozen! :-)
~ Laura, YALitChat
http://lexacain.blogspot.com/2012/09/belly-dancers.html
Thanks, Laura. I appreciate the encouragement and am glad to hear I'm not alone in my pitch nightmares.
DeleteWhat do you all think of this one instead?:
ReplyDeleteLike most people, Abigail Montgomery has always had a Watcher—a trained guardian angel sent from Nevaeh—assigned to look after her. Unlike most people, she knows it. But, it's not until her seventeenth birthday—the day her Gram dies—and she jumps thirty feet to almost certain death that she needs him.
I think it plays up the paranormal "romance" part of the story a bit more...and maybe makes it more unique?