Monday, October 15, 2012

First Page - Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest

UPDATE:
I WON A PARTIAL REQUEST FROM CURIOSITY QUILLS IN THE HAUNTED WRITING CONTEST! YAY!

Thanks to all that have stopped by to comment on my first page. I have revised based on the feedback I've received from my fellow minions, as well as my super villain, Krystal Wade. Her critique was invaluable, to say the least. Thanks! Here's the revision...do your worst! =)

REVISION #1:


Leg-over-leg, I climb the railings that keep visitors from falling over the edge of the pier and clutch the wooden beam behind me. There’s no false sense of security now—only my white-knuckled grip, and a blanket of black ocean thirty feet below, taunting me:  
Here lies Alison Summers. Devoted daughter. Sister. Dog-lover.
One slip and that will be chiseled into the headstone above my eternal resting place. That is, if someone finds my body. Not that I expect a superhero to swoop down and save me, but an easier way out of this nightmare would be nice.
The cool breeze picks up the smell of fish. It should remind me of the summers my family vacationed here, but instead, I’m left with the urge to gag. All my inner organs tense like they’re pounding violently against each other. At first, La Paz Beach was a logical place to run, but now at the dead end of this pier there’s no time to consider a better plan. They are hot on my heels. But who are they?  My head whips toward the sound of heavy footfalls. But the dense fog makes seeing my hand in front of my face nearly impossible, let alone those who trail me. All I see are two streams of lights zigzagging through the thick mist.
My foot slips. I adjust my position on the damp ledge and grab the beam tighter. Sand plummets into the white-capped waves beneath me. A tingle creeps down my spine as I consider a crazy thought. As a competitive swimmer, I can easily out-swim anyone. I release one hand—just one—and a gasp escapes my trembling lips.
 “Don’t jump.” The words are barely a whisper in my mind.
“I have to,” I return. My reply is useless. At well past midnight, the pier is deserted—except for my pursuers. The stillness of this place strangles me. I don’t want to jump. No. But, the alternative . . . .
Either way, my seventeenth birthday will be surrounded by death.
I’m going out my way.

***As a side note--Krystal had suggested I add more details about the pursuers. I didn't do that in the first page, however, that comes on page 2***


I am participating in a Haunted Writing Clinic and Contest hosted by Curiosity Quills, if you would like to join click here. But, you don't have to join in order to leave a comment on my blog. Also, I have revised my QUERY if you would like to check it out. Any feedback/critiques/comments/questions/compliments on either are welcome.















Here is the first page of my YA Urban Fantasy (w/romantic elements) -- IGNITE:


Leg-over-leg, I cross the hand railings that keep visitors from falling over the edge, and white knuckle the wooden beam behind me. There’s no false sense of security now—only a blanket of black ocean thirty feet below taunting me:  
Here lies Alison Summers. Devoted daughter. Sister. Dog-lover.
One slip and that will be chiseled into the headstone above my eternal resting place. That is, if someone finds my body. Not that I expect a superhero to swoop down and save me, but an easier way out of this nightmare would be nice.
A fishy aroma spikes the wind. It should remind me of the summers my family vacationed here, but instead I’m left with the urge to gag. All my inner organs feel like they are pounding violently against each other. At first, La Paz Beach was a logical place to run, but now at the dead end of this pier there’s no time to consider a better plan. They are hot on my heels. If only I knew who they were.  My head whips toward heavy footfalls. But the thick fog makes it nearly impossible to see my hand in front of my face, let alone those who are trailing me.
My foot slips. I adjust my position on the damp ledge, and I grab the beam tighter. A tingle creeps inside me as I consider a crazy thought. I let go of one hand—just one—and a gasp escapes my trembling lips.
 “Don’t jump.” The words are barely a whisper in my mind.
“I have to,” I say. My reply is useless, though. At well past midnight the pier is deserted—except for my pursuers. The stillness of this place strangles me. I don’t want to jump. No. But, the alternative…
Either way, my seventeenth birthday will be surrounded by death.
If that’s the case, I’m going out my way.




26 comments:

  1. Just a minion here, but I do like the read.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Replies
    1. Thank you, Kelly.

      On a separate note, I'm hoping to win your ARC! =)

      Delete
  3. I think you're off to a nice exciting start-what could be more exciting than life or death? I like the menace of an unknown "they" as well.
    This bothered me a little (since I'm trying to find something to critique in the effort to be helpful) But the thick marine layer makes it nearly impossible to see my hand in front of my face. What is a thick marine layer? Does that mean fog? If so I would recommend saying "fog" not "layer". It will add nicely to the creepy ambiance. Good luck fellow minion!

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback, Rhiann.

      Interestingly, my CP said the same thing about changing "thick marine layer" to fog...so, I think I should. I grew up in San Diego and that's what we (my friends and family) called it when it (the fog) was coming off the ocean, but maybe that was just us!

      Delete
  4. Looks great! Can't wait to read the rest ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! I promise to get you the rest soon. It's coming! =)

      Delete
  5. Now, what good would an editor super villain be if she didn't tear apart your first page? Here goes:

    Leg-over-leg, I cross the hand railings that keep visitors from falling over the edge, and white knuckle the wooden beam behind me. [SAY WHAT? A wordy opening line is NOT a way to sell an agent, an editor, or a reader. What are you truly trying to say here? Suggestion: I climb over the hand railings that keep visitors from falling over the edge of ....edge of what?...., and grip the wooden beam behind me so hard my knuckles turn white (because there's no such thing as white knuckling something. You can have a white-knuckled grip, but not the way you've used it.] There’s no false sense of security now [I'm assuming this refers to the "fence" but sometimes it doesn't hurt to actually say what you mean]—only a blanket of black ocean thirty feet below [COMMA] taunting me:

    Here lies Alison Summers. Devoted daughter. Sister. Dog-lover.

    One slip [COMMA] and that will be chiseled into the headstone above my eternal resting place. That is, if someone finds my body. Not that I expect a superhero to swoop down and save me, but an easier way out of this nightmare would be nice.

    A fishy aroma spikes the wind. It [IT REFERS TO WIND AND NOT THE FISHY AROMA] should remind me of the summers my family vacationed here, but instead [COMMA] I’m left with the urge to gag. All my inner organs feel [INSERT BETTER VERB: TENSE, SQUEEZE, ETC, TO REPLACE FEEL] like they are [COMBINE THEY AND ARE] pounding violently against each other. At first, La Paz Beach was a logical place to run, but now at the dead end of this pier [COMMA] there’s no time to consider a better plan. They [MIGHT BE A GOOD PLACE TO DROP A HINT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE/AT LEAST WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE] are hot on my heels. If only [DELETE ONLY] I [INSERT ONLY] knew who they were [CHANGE WERE TO ARE..THIS IS PRESENT TENSE, RIGHT?]. My head whips [DISEMBODIED BODY PART - HER HEAD DOESN'T WHIP BY ITSELF, SHE WHIPS HER HEAD] toward [REALLY? WHICH DIRECTION IS THAT?] heavy footfalls. But the thick fog makes it nearly impossible to see my hand in front of my face [REPHRASE TO GET RID OF 'IT': BUT THE THICK FOGS MAKES SEEING MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY FACE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE], let alone those who are [DELETE ARE] trailing [DELETE -ING FROM TRAILING] me.

    My foot slips [GOOD PLACE TO INSERT SOME IMAGERY. DO ROCKS CRASH BELOW HER? DOES SHE TWIST HER ANKLE? DOES SHE SEE WHITE CAPPED WAVES BELOW HER?]. I adjust my position on the damp ledge, [DELETE COMMA] and I [DELETE 'I'] grab the beam tighter. A tingle creeps inside me as I consider a crazy thought [PRESENT TENSE! YOU MUST TELL US THIS THOUGHT, OTHERWISE SHE ISN'T CONSIDERING ANYTHING]. I let go of one hand [SHE WASN'T HOLDING HER HANDS, JUST THE RAILING BEHIND HER]—just one—and a gasp escapes my trembling lips.

    “Don’t jump.” The words are barely a whisper in my mind. [BARELY A WHISPER IN HER MIND? THE THOUGHT IS WEAK MAYBE?]

    “I have to,” I say.[RETURN]

    My reply is useless, though [DELETE COMMA AND THOUGH]. At well past midnight [COMMA] the pier is deserted—except for my pursuers [EXACTLY WHERE ARE HER PURSUERS? HOW MANY? ARE THEY RUNNING? CAN THEY SEE HER? ARE THEY FLASHING LIGHTS? I'M NOT FEELING THE IMMEDIACY OF THEIR PURSUIT]. The stillness of this place strangles me. I don’t want to jump. No. But, the alternative…[WHEN YOU TRAIL OFF COMPLETELY, THERE NEED TO BE FOUR '. . . .']

    Either way, my seventeenth birthday will be surrounded by death.

    If that’s the case [THERE'S NO IF ABOUT IT. SHE JUST SAID WHETHER SHE JUMPS OR NOT, THERE WILL BE DEATH. REPHRASE], I’m going out my way.

    I love the way you end this; it leaves so many questions in my mind. My critique is tough, but I'm an editor. I want you to ramp up imagery, especially imagery, and give more details about who's chasing her and what's below her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Woah. I'll bow out to Krystal on this one.

      Delete
    2. I have to amend this. Do NOT put the comma after slip. I thought the sentences could stand alone, but they cannot: One slip [COMMA] and that will be chiseled into the headstone above my eternal resting place.

      Delete
    3. Krystal--thank you for taking the time to give such a detailed edit. I really appreciate it. I will work on the corrections and post a revision soon!! =)

      Delete
  6. Such nice comments already given. I'm sorry I can't offer any help, but it looks like everything I would have suggested has been said:)

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  7. Sorry, a bit late to the party...

    I can't improve on the suggestions of our fine Super Villain, but I will say that you have the writing style I appreciate. My books are stained with highlights and handwritten notes in the columns regarding some beautiful bit of prose or unique metaphor.

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    Replies
    1. Hi L.P.

      Party-goers are welcome anytime...especially if they bring compliments! =)

      Delete
  8. I'd delete the first paragraph and start with the tombstone inscription. That would really grab the readers attention.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kelly-

      I actually had it that way at one time...but I can't remember WHY I changed it. Good suggestion, though. I will consider changing it back again.

      Thanks for the comment!

      Delete
  9. Wonderful re-write, but I do agree with Kelly, that line would really grab your readers.

    Good catch Kelly!

    Excellent work Natasha!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Yolanda.

      Now I just need Kelly to give me ideas for the other 250 pages! ha ha No, seriously! =)

      Delete
  10. Excellent re-write! You did a good job setting up intrigue to keep the reader reading and some good visual details (and a scent too!) to orient the reader in the scene.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Sharon!

      Krystal had spot-on advice. If only she could edit my entire ms!! A girl can dream... =)

      Delete
  11. Hi Natasha! First time super villain visitor! Trying to come through and read everyone's stories. I read the first one, read Krystal's advice, and then read the second one!

    I don't know if it is a good or bad thing but I don't have any suggestions. You pulled me into the story immediately and I wanted to keep reading. Great job! Hope you are enjoying the clinic :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback and thanks for stopping by!

      And, yes, I am enjoying the clinic very much! =)

      Delete
  12. Hi! I like the voice, and your ability to keep a person on edge. The issue I find is that I haven't connected enough with your in-deep-trouble MC. But this is your story, start where it feels best :) Some agents and editors hate starting with action, others love it :)

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    Replies
    1. Hi T.J.

      Totally agree. Every agent/editor is so different.

      Thanks for the feedback. I will work on the connection between the MC and the reader!

      Delete